Reckonings

I think it's a curse to live long enough to see the patterns of your life play out over and over again...in relationships...jobs...the wrong assumptions nearly hardcoded into your DNA that lead to wrong decisions that ultimately take you down a slippery slope in which you arrive at the worst of all possible outcomes -- having to depend on someone else to rescue you, clean up your messes, take you in. Take pity.

It never occurred to me when I set out on this Mexico adventure that it might go terribly awry. That I might end up in a real pickle, stranded in a foreign country, with no resources and facing a health crisis to boot. I felt so good when I first came. But now I look at the possibility of having to return the way I came, in a vehicle that might well not make the trip, to a place I no longer have kin or job prospects, and not feeling well at all. It exhausts me to think about it.

I'm fortunate to have Israel. Of course, the language and culture barrier prevents him from understanding situations, nuances, even my yankee sarcasm. But he understands "paink" as he tries to say. He prays to El Senor for me. And he tells me I'm a good woman when the demons have me convinced otherwise.